


Warm and alive

by Banashee



Series: Bad Things Happen Bingo [11]
Category: Ant-Man (Movies), Marvel, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bad Things Happen Bingo, Cuddling & Snuggling, Domestic Avengers, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Past Brainwashing, Past Torture, Recovery, Team as Family, Touch-Starved
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-01
Updated: 2020-06-01
Packaged: 2021-03-02 19:29:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,554
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24492052
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Banashee/pseuds/Banashee
Summary: Ava Starr is in a much better place now, having found a cure for her condition, as well as safety and friends - something like a family really. But her past still hurts, and it takes time to deal with it. Thankfully, she's not alone anymore. One personm in particular is a lot of help. After all, Bucky knows what it's like to spend years as a brainwashed weapon.*+~Part 11 of my Bad Things Happen Bingo.Square: Brainwashing
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Ava Starr
Series: Bad Things Happen Bingo [11]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1701046
Comments: 13
Kudos: 33
Collections: Bad Things Happen Bingo





	Warm and alive

**Author's Note:**

> Hi,  
> so, because I love a good writing challenge, I'm now taking a part in the Bad Things Happen Bingo.  
> https://badthingshappenbingo.tumblr.com/  
> Please mind the tags!
> 
> I'm cross-posting this to my tumblr, https://banashee.tumblr.com
> 
> This is my eleventh square: "Brainwashing".

****

**Warm and alive**

It is remarkable really, what years and years of constant agony and fear can do to a human being. Years of being ripped apart by the atoms of her body, losing everything and having to find her way in a cold and uncaring world have taught Ava just that. 

She knows the pain, knows being terrified and having to fight to survive - to justify even existing. Fighting, training, even as a child. 

But then everything falls to pieces once again, when SHIELD and Hydra are suddenly interchangeable and Ava runs, runs for her life - she's getting used to that, too. 

With Bill Foster helping her right by her side, she continues to try and find a cure for her condition. He’s been with her for many years now, becoming something like a father figure. Together, they manage, but things get tight for her.

Ava is dying and she doesn’t have much time anymore.

That is, until life throws another unknown obstacle at her. But just for once, it turns to be for the better and Ava walks way not only alive and with a way to cure her condition - she also walks away with a whole new group of allies - a group of friends. 

She doesn’t dare think the word “family” out of fear it might be taken from her again. 

*+~

Scott Lang has many good friends. 

Of course, there are Luis, Dave and Kurt who are, especially combined, the humanoid version of chaos but great people over all. She likes them, even though she managed to scare the shit out of them before everything turned out to get better - they don’t hold a grudge, and Ava appreciates that a lot. Being cruel and intimidating isn’t in her nature - but she is very much capable of it when she is forced to, or when her life depends on it. But those times are mostly over now- Ava is safe, and she can rest. Thanks to Janet van Dyne and the quantum energy she happened to pick up in the last few decades. She shares it with Ava, and for the first time since she’s been a child, she can live a life in peace and quiet - or at least, about as quiet as things can get when you’re surrounded by the brickering of Scott, Luis, Dave and Kurt. Add Hope, Janet and Hank in there, and things get even more chaotic, but in a good way. Ava bathes in the feeling of belonging somewhere.

But even surrounded by people who love and support her - it’s hard to be truly understood when no one really knows what the horrors she had to encounter feel like. 

When she meets them, really meets them all for the first time, Ava is equally excited and nervous but everyone does their best to put her at ease. 

Truth be told, when Luis starts rambling to her about who even knows what, she's genuinely certain she's having a stroke. That is until she finds out, no, that's just how he is in general.

It’s surprisingly easy to get used to.

When Luis joins them all for a night at the Avengers Tower for the first time, because the team considers Scott a friend and so he’d been welcome to bring along his people, Ava gets a front row seat and gets to watch the rare treat of seeing Tony Stark speechless because for once, he's met a person who can overtalk even him.

Ava laughs hard at the look of sheer despair his face and the extragged, long winded story. It’s good to feel happy and alive like this. 

Suddenly, a hand holding a bag of popcorn appears right in front of her. Over the edge of it she's met with two bright grins, where Clint and Bucky have flopped down on the couch. It’s the first time she meets either of them, and despite the small voice in the back of her head that furiously whispers to her about SHIELD and Hydra, she can’t help but like those two. Trusts them, even - they wouldn’t be Avengers if they were bad people. 

Right now, they offer her snacks to watch Tony try to get a breath in while Luis chews his ears off about two or three life stories that may or may not mash up at some point - who knows really, he’s still only at the part of his story that takes place some time in the 1990s. This is gonna take a while, especially since someone - probably Clint - made the fatal mistake of offering Luis a cup of coffee. And mugs are huge in the Avengers Tower. 

"As if we'd want to miss any second this!" Bucky grins, and as Ava takes a handful of popcorn, she can’t help but to smile back. The happiness around her is contagious and she finds that she doesn’t mind that at all. 

On this day, she doesn’t even know yet just how close the two of them will get over the next few months, but it is a slow and steady process.

It isn’t until a few weeks and about three more meetings later that she gets to know Bucky a little bit more. 

The evening has gotten late, and Ava has been offered a guest room to spend the night in, which she’d happily taken since it’s been a long week and she’s dead on her feet. This isn’t the first time she’s slept there, but it is the first time she agrees easily, without feeling like an intruder.

Sleep doesn’t come easily to her, however.

She spends an hour tossing and turning in bed, despite it being soft, warm and comfortable while she is exhausted, but her mind won’t shut up. Now, in the quiet darkness, her thoughts are running wild, and her heart beat speeds up significantly. Ava is shaking, and when she finally manages to fall asleep, old and new nightmares plague her.

Screaming people, death, violence and destruction - pain. So much pain, mentally and physically. Ava startles awake drenched in cold sweat and with a scream stuck in her throat and she sits on the edge of the bed, trying to calm down her breathing.

This dream has been an old one, and she’s had it for many years, again and again. Sometimes it happened only once or twice a year, sometimes it happens for every single night, for months on end. But it’s been a while since she’s had this particular dream. 

With a trembling hand, Ava wipes cold sweat from her brow. The room around her is quiet and the lights are dimmed - it should be calming, but her heart is hammering painfully in her chest.

When she can’t take the silence for any longer, Ava gets up and makes her way down into the common area. Maybe she’s lucky and somebody else is awake this early in the morning - or the middle of the night, depending how you look at it.

The living room is dark when she steps out of the elevator, but soft lightning pools out of the kitchen, and Ava can hear the soft steps of what is probably one single person.

Cautiously, she enters the room, and is met with the faint scent of freshly brewed tea and a very scruffy looking, former Winter Soldier. 

Bucky turns around when she enters the room, and he shoots her a faint smile. He looks like he hasn’t slept at all, judging from the dark bags under his eyes. His eyes look haunted - it is not unusual for him to look like this, Ava knows by now, having noticed the “sad puppy” kind of look that he has to him, even when he laughs and jokes along with his friends. 

She smiles at him, but it feels wrong and shaky. The movement makes tears well up in her eyes, and she does her best to hold them back.

“Hey. Can’t sleep?” Bucky asks her, to which she mutely shakes her head. Bucky pushes the mug he just prepared into her hands as soon as she’s close enough to do so. Ava wants to decline, not wanting to take the drink away from him that he clearly made for himself - but he pulls another mug from the cupboard as soon as she opens her mouth to protest, and nods towards the tea kettle.

The “There is enough for both of us” is left unsaid, but it’s very much clear in the action, so she takes the steaming mug with a quiet “Thank you” and sits down at the breakfast bar. Bucky follows her as soon as he has prepared another mug, and takes a seat near Ava. 

They drink in silence, and the tea warms Ava from the inside - she didn’t even notice how cold she’d gotten, until the slightly milky black tea with honey reminds her that life can be good sometimes, especially with company.

“Can I ask you something?” Ava can’t stop herself from blurting out a little while later and she looks over at Bucky, who meets her eyes and nods slowly.

“Yeah. Sure.”

“You don’t have to answer.” she takes another sip, and the sweetness of the tea tastes comforting. A few minutes of silence tick by, until she finds the courage in herself.

“How much do you remember?” It’s barely more than a whisper and she carefully avoids his gaze, unsure if she wants to see the look in his eyes - the pain, the haunted memories - emotions that might very well match her own. But she needs to know - this man is one of the very few people who might truly understand her. Maybe a little more than others.

“I remember bits and pieces from a past life. After they took me, well. Things got fuzzy. But I remember every single person I ever hurt or killed.”

Ava nods in understanding, something dark and heavy curling up in her stomach. 

“Me, too.” she admits, and both of them remain quiet after that for long enough to see the sun rise behind the large windows. 

“If you ever need anything…” Bucky’s voice rises her out of her thoughts then, and Ava looks up at him. 

“You know where to find me.”

He’s gone before she can even answer, but then again, she wouldn’t have known what to say -”Thank you” seems far too little for this offer.

This night is something like a catalyst for them. They meet up at random times, whenever they’re unable to sleep. They talk, sometimes, but they also share hours of silence. It should be uncomfortable, but it really isn’t.

They grow closer, and Ava finds herself seeking out physical contact. She’s still not quite used to it, because for most of her life, every touch had just hurt. Now, that she can live a normal life - or as normal as it can be, really, she finds herself incredibly touch starved sometimes. 

Ava likes being around people, spending time with them - but touch is still a bit of a sore subject for her.

One night, her nightmares are bad enough for her to wake up screaming bloody murder, unable to breathe and clawing at her throat. Faintly, she can make out JARVIS’ voice, attempting to soothe but as much as she appreciates the AI’s gesture, she is desperate for any kind of human interaction. She’d take being beaten, tortured and brainwashed again over being alone at this point. She’s unaware of the words that leave her lips, and she’s not entirely sure but she might be sobbing at this point.

JARVIS keeps talking to her, attempting to take away the pain, trying to calm her. Then he tells her that Sergeant Barnes is at her door, and Ava nods frantically, hoping it’ll be enough permission for him to be let in.

Only moments later, his calm presence is by her side, reaching out with his flesh hand, and she takes it, pressing herself close to Bucky. If he is surprised, it doesn’t show, but he wraps his other arm around her - cold metal against her slight frame, but the rest of him is breathing, warm and _alive_. 

It’s the best thing she’s felt in a long time and she soaks up the contact, desperate to feel something besides loneliness and phantom pain. 

But Bucky is warm and soft, smelling faintly of soap and he just remains close, holding her through the storm that’s shaking her. 

When she wakes up the next day, the sun is high up in the sky, and she feels more rested than she did in a long time - which is strage, given her panic attack in the previous night. But then she realizes that Bucky is still there, clad in rumpled sweatpants and a old t-shirt, dozing next to her with an arm still wrapped around her waist. Ava doesn’t think about it, she just turns and snuggles closer, figuring she’ll keep doing that until she’s told that she’s no longer welcome to do so. But that moment never comes.

Bucky just lets her come as close as she wants to, and it’s not like he doesn’t need and crave this as well. The two of them just fit together, in a way unique to the both of them

When they end up sharing a bed whenever Ava is at the tower, well, she’s certainly not about to complain. 

Both of them know what it is like to be unmade, to be used for horrible things. They know guilt, pain. What it feels like, having to live with these things. 

Some nights, neither of them sleeps. Then, it’s all they can do to hold onto each other to keep themselves from falling apart, but they always manage.

During the day, the other Avengers, including Scott and his group of friends and family are there for support as well. They’d come help anytime, Ava knows, but Bucky is… Something else.

They’re alike and very soon, Ava finds herself unable and unwilling to let him go. Luckily, she doesn’t have to, because Bucky seems to be just as fond of her as she is of him. 

The first time they kiss, it’s not in the dark or an desperate attempt to find comfort. It’s in the middle of the day, when they stand in the kitchen surrounded by friends and bickering about the perfect treats to put into cookie dough. Everyone is covered in flour and the kitchen is a mess. Ava is giggling, and Bucky patiently pulls eggshells out of her long hair - she really should have pulled it back, but oh well. It’s not like she isn’t used to everything getting stuck in it - she refuses to part with a single inch though. 

Bucky is laughing, and then he presses a small, affectionate peck on top of her head.

Ava can feel her cheeks heating up, but a spark of overwhelming happiness travels through her entire body. Then, she simply grabs him by the shoulders and pulls him down to her eye level to finally, finally kiss him properly.

There are the faint cheers of their friends in the background, some good natured whistling and someone exclaims,

“About fucking time!”

But she pays it no mind - she is way too happy. 

About Fucking Time, indeed. 

*+~

Square: **Brainwashing**

  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warnings:  
> \- Panic attacks  
> \- past trorture  
> \- past brainwashing


End file.
